Nip and Tuck
by Haurvatat
Summary: If there are questions that need answering, and if you can get those answers by way of friendly discourse and no small amount of peer pressure, whyever wouldn't you? Yosano has questions, Dazai has jokes, and Atsushi has misgivings. (Mindless fluff, whole ADC crew, extensive swearing)
Atsushi hadn't expected it, and yet he had absolutely seen it coming, if that made any sense.

Their magnanimous leader was of the firm opinion that workers with no vacation time produced shoddy work, and considering the stressful nature of his firm's daily goings-on, he'd mandated a day off for every single employee once every four weeks in addition to their normal days off. Apparently the entire corps of commanding officers (as they were) from the Armed Detective Company had synchronized their mandated day off so they could all go out drinking and causing general mayhem. How none of them had been arrested yet was a mystery even Edogawa had yet to solve.

Dazai was responsible for roping Atsushi into this one, surprising no one. "I want to see if you're half as much a killjoy when hammered out of your tiny little mind," he'd said.

Kenji had chimed in at that point, saying, "It's a lot of fun! We've got a great place picked out. I've heard a bunch of people say the crab cakes there are delicious."

Okay, that was something Atsushi could get on board with. The first and most obvious way into his heart was food.

"But to be clear," Naomi had said, "you're getting shit-faced. Accept your fate. Embrace it."

And so he'd found himself there, in the back of a circular booth, wedged squarely between Dazai and Yosano. As if that weren't scary enough all by itself, none of the rest of them had seemed keen on ordering any food, just mountains of liquor.

In retrospect, they'd done less damage than he'd expected. Only about a month's rent worth of property got destroyed, and they were only banned for life and thrown out rather than chucked into a jail cell. Pretty successful outing, all told.

"A moment of your time, before you trash-heaps go home to your hovels," Yosano said. I have one last special request before we wrap up the night."

"Oh no," Tanizaki muttered, trying to hide behind Kunikida. "Please tell me there's nothing you want to know 'for science'."

She turned to face him, locked eyes, then very, very slowly smiled. Atsushi could faintly hear whimpering.

"This oughta be good," Edogawa grinned, rubbing his dumb little hands together. He turned to face Atsushi. "So how 'bout it?"

"Wait, why are you asking-?" Oh no. Oh heavens to Betsy, no. Edogawa had clearly figured out what it was already. Probably Dazai, too. "Not on your life. No."

"You have to. It's for science."

"That's not an excuse!"

Dazai smacked Atsushi on the ass and got a yelp in return. "Maybe not, but you're gonna do it anyway."

"Oooh, what is it? What'chu got in mind?" Kenji asked.

From the massive purse (more like army bag) Yosano withdrew a long, thin brown paper bag. "I need to know what this does."

"That better not be a weapon."

Dazai snorted. "Anything is a weapon in her hands, but I don't think that's what it is."

She pulled the paper back.

It took Atsushi a moment to process. More liquor? It just looked like another wine bottle. They'd gone through about ten of them in the last hour, so he was pretty sure that's what it was. She must have ordered it on the sly. Then he read the label a bit more carefully and his face contorted.

"Catnip wine?" he groused. "Are you serious? I'm not an actual cat, you know!"

"I don't know that. None of us know. Catnip affects some tigers. Who knows? Maybe it'll be funny to watch. For science, of course. If you have a weakness for catnip, we, as your coworkers, have a right to know. Like knowing if a friend has a peanut allergy. Absolutely critical information. So you see, you have to. I as your doctor command it," Yosano said. The smile on her face was contained and yet feral.

Dazai and Edogawa had teamed up at some point and were chanting softly, "Chug, chug, chug, chug" in the background.

All of them were staring at him expectantly. There was no way out of this one, was there? Screw it. It was two in the morning at a local park in a part of town where no one would be up past midnight anyway. He couldn't believe he was doing this. The whiskey sours he'd downed earlier in the night probably had something to do with his terrible decision-making skills. "Fuck it. Let's give it a go."

Kunikida rolled his eyes. "Two thousand yen says nothing happens."

"Yeah, I'll take that," said Dazai.

Against every ounce of his better judgment (not that there could have been much there to begin with), Atsushi took the bottle. The cap was a twist-off. Cheap stuff. Oh, well. It was supposed to be a meaningless experiment, after all. Not wanting to prolong the bullshit any longer, he tilted the whole thing back and took a swig.

The taste was… kind of weird. Minty? No, not really, but close. What was the word? Maybe closer to Thai basil. Better take another gulp just to be sure. What a strange flavor. Maybe the Idiot Squad still chanting "chug" in the back had the right idea. Wow, he felt really warm and soft all of a sudden. Couldn't be the catnip. Had to be the whiskey setting in. Yeah, that had to be it.

Dazai paused in his frat boy chanting. "Holy shit, I think it's working. Look at 'im."

Atsushi was smiling gently like he didn't even realize he was doing it, and his pupils had gotten huge.

"Did somebody leave a car running?" Tanizaki muttered, glancing around.

"Fuck, that's him! He's purring! Oh my God, this is priceless. Somebody take a video on your phone."

"Hey Kunikida. What was that about two thousand yen?"

"I never said that."

"Aww, but look at him! What a precious baby! Scritch scritch," cooed Naomi as she started petting Atsushi's head and scratching behind his ears. He was actually leaning into it and purring harder, the little weirdo.

As it happened, the catnip took upwards of ten minutes to wear off, after which point it didn't look like the wine was affecting him anymore no matter how much more of the bottle he drained.

"Experiment settled to your satisfaction?" Atsushi groaned, clutching his head. "A restroom wouldn't go amiss. I've had enough fluids to fill a bathtub."

"Have fun, sweetie. There are plenty of bushes around," Yosano said.

"You're a fucking weapon," he offered before making a break for it.

(A/N): This is literally the first fic for BSD in English on either ffnet or AO3. Please God let this fandom explode when the anime starts so I can get some good ficcage that I DIDN'T HAVE TO WRITE MYSELF 


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